


Super Magical Girl Destroy Factor Z

by Broba



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack, M/M, This Is STUPID, i apologise for nothing, what is this I don't even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-02
Updated: 2013-03-02
Packaged: 2017-12-04 01:54:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/705152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broba/pseuds/Broba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kimkmeme prompt! A human MMO manages to bring together two Troll players in the most sensual manner imaginable. Ahhhh who I am I kidding, this is a total crack fic and I have been drinking heavily today.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Super Magical Girl Destroy Factor Z

Saccharine candyfloss-pink sakura blossoms drifted through the air, redolent of autumnal orange-lighted groves. The obvious pathway of hard-packed earth wound between the trees, lined on either side by acid-green bushes that dripped heavy with fat red berries. The scene as a whole was vivid and artificial, like staring into a picture picked out in neon tubes.

Sollux ran his tongue over his fangs thoughtfully and tapped his second finger onto the Alternian equivalent of the “W” key. Obediently, Sayaka Miyuki-Sama stepped daintily into the grove, and she would continue forward until instructed otherwise by her player. She was adorned in floating ribbons of red and blue, surmounting a miniskirt that was short enough to qualify as a fancy belt. Her thighs were remarkably sturdy, her ankles were minuscule. She looked as though she had just got out of school, if it was a school for highly specialised fetish prostitutes.

Suddenly a Golden Salamander Slime appeared! The creature bounced gaily out of a bush, confronting Sayaka Miyuki-Sama with an automated cackle and a blobby little dance animation.  
“Oh, you pretty little shit,” Sollux breathed, “you are tho very fucking mine.”  
“Ayaa!” Sayaka Miyuki-Sama piped, “batteru time!”  
Spreading her arms, the magical girl summoned forth the all-encompassing Galaxy Eclipse Blast to deal 1,550 HP in a ranged AOE attack. The famed Golden Salamander Slime was able to withstand this assault with ease, but Sayaka Miyuki-Sama successfully aggroed the beast into an attack cycle. Slimes in themselves were common as shit, but a Golden Salamander Slime was a rare creature that would drop a mythical Golden Sunshine Drop fully twenty percent of the time. Sollux began gently bouncing up and down in his chair as he hammered various attack keys, lining up a Mega X-Slash and a Driving Stun Beam for good measure.  
“Golden Thunshine drop,” he whispered, “pleathe, pleathe, pleathe.”

Out of nowhere, a Tsunami Wave Crusher annihilated the Golden Salamander Slime. The beast evaporated into a splash of yellow pixels and faded into nothing, and Sollux screamed as the loot went to the character who had deal the finishing blow. This was the stone-cold and immutable law of Super Magical Girl Destroy Factor Z. Sollux practically rammed his mouse through his desk as he panned the camera around wildly. There, at the entrance to the sakura grove, stood Neptune Hanaka in the full glory of her victory animation. She was resplendent in her shell-themed brassiere and strategically placed starfish combo.  
“Oh s-uw-weet,” Eridan glanced over the loot window on his screen, “I got a Golden Sunshine Drop.”  
Sayaka Miyuki-Sama daintily stepped up to Neptune Hanaka and entered her angry animation, bouncing up and down and clasping her tiny fists to her copious, sailor-suited chest. Eridan blinked as a voice-chat request blinked up on his screen, and keyed the accept button.  
“FUCK! NOOK!” Screamed Sayaka Miyuki-Sama, “fuckin' bone-bulge thnorting fuck! That wath my fucking Golden Thunshine Drop! I NEEDED THAT!”  
“Oh hi Sol,” Eridan beamed widely as though Sollux could see him, “are you playing this game too?”  
“YETH I'm playhing thith game how could you even athk that, that'th implied by my even being here you abtholoute BULGE!”  
“Uw-what's uw-wrong Sol?”  
“Oh, okay what'th wrong? Hey why don't I jutht exthplain it to you, okay. LITHEN. I needed that fucking Golden Thunshine Drop you THTOLE!”  
“Ah, you're on the Golden Sunshine Uw-Wedding Peach Qu-uw-est?”  
“Yeth!”  
“Ah, you need, like, ten of these drops to finish that qu-uw-est.”  
“YETH!”  
“Oh. Sorry.”  
“THORRY?”  
“Hey Sol, I didn't know you were into Super Magical Girl Destroy Factor Z too, why don't we play together? Uw-we could form a Magical Senshi Battle Party!”  
“Yeth I'm into Thuper Magical Girl Dethtroy Factor Z, what are you, thtupid? Thith game ith the shit!”  
“I know-uw, right? Uw-when the humans mentioned it, I thought it uw-was going to be the normal human hoofbeastshit you know-uw?”  
“I know! Have you done the Thpecial Volcano World Thuper Wand quetht yet?”  
“The Special Volcano Uw-World Super Uw-Wand qu-uw-est? Uw-which one is that?”  
“Oh shit! You HAVE to get the Thpecial Volcano World Thuper Wand, it'th like, mandatory!”  
“Uw-well, you know-uw...”  
“What?”  
“Uw-we could do it together?”

Thus was formed the legendary Magical Senshi Battle Party of Sayaka Miyuki-Sama and Neptune Hanaka. The world of Super Magical Destroy Factor Z shook beneath their eight-inch stilletoed boot-heels and quest after quest submitted to their dual dominance. In instance after instance, across the span of digital continents, through expansion pack after expansion pack, the battle-cry of the dual warbitches was heard.  
“Uw-Warbitches!”  
“Warbitcheth!”  
Slimes were brought to heel. Rampaging monotaurs were de-horned. Miniphants were herded skilfully, the Blasphemy Yoko White-Eye Sixteen Dragon cult was decimated. Despite everything, Sollux was forced to admit that Eridan was actually quite good in a battle, and Eridan was delighted to discover that Sollux had his back in the most dread situations. Time after time, the Warbitches triumphed.  
“We did it!” Sollux crowed after a battle lasting for four straight hours and decimating the party of helper and hangers-on that followed them around, “I can't fucking believe it!”  
“Of course!” Eridan laughed, “uw-we're the Uw-Warbitches!”  
“Theriouthly, I thought we were done for a moment there.”  
“Bluh. I knew you'd get us through it, Sol.”  
“Me?”  
“Uw-well yeah. Uw-way I see it, no matter uw-what we come up against you'll figure a uw-way through.”  
“Well... well thankth, man. Theriouthly.”  
Eridan blushed, despite himself. He was glad that the only contact Sollux had was a chat program or he would have died of embarrassment. On the other hand, the way Sol praised him made a part of his briny soul want Sol to see what it did to him. Then he realised that the line was quiet, and Sollux wasn't saying anything either.  
“Sol?”  
“Yeth?”  
“Uw-where do you,” Eridan swallowed, “uw-want to go from here?”  
“Oh, well thimple. Now we can get onto the World Temple Cothmoth Quetht.”  
“Oh, oh yeah right, Uw-World Temple Cosmos Qu-uw-est, yeah that's next.”  
“Yeah.”  
“Yeah.”

No more was said on the subject. There were sub-quests to complete, items to gather and a main quest to enter after all. Sayaka Miyuki-Sama  and Neptune Hanaka stepped daintily into the enormous peristyle of the vast temple complex. A few Dungeon Guardian Slimes and Golem Warrior Superdrones were not nearly enough to stop them. At their level, the girls were simply walking through such opposition. The dungeon only became really challenging when they were too far along to realistically retreat, which they had expected. Their twin Supply Carriage Donkeys were filled to the brim, and their Inventorisors were stuffed full of Complete Heal Mega Beans.

In fact, the dungeon as a whole had such a grim and terrible reputation that Sollux and Eridan had been grinding intently for days just to prepare, and had built up their avatars to the point that they were far more powerful then they needed to be. If anything, the World Temple Cosmos Quest was a let-down. Sub-bosses fell to their annihilating might, and quest-items dropped with stunning regularity before their Magical Senshi Battle Party power. At the appointed time they stormed into the wide, long palisade leading to the throne of Magical All-Galaxy Super Power where they could conclude their quest. All they had to do was unseat Mystic Gast Phantom from the throne, and all glory would be theirs. The battle was fantastical as it was ludicrous, the magical girls cast insane spells and ridiculous summonings, dealing out damage by the thousandfold until Magical Gast Phantom entered his final form and the end of the battle came close.  
“Okay,” breathed Sollux, “let'th fuck thith fucker.”  
“I'm uw-with you Sol,” Eridan chirped.

The hit-points tumbled, as Mystic Gast Phantom fell before the girlish bravery and magical prowess of the Warbitches. Until when the final moment came, and the hit-point bar was exhausted except for the final few pixels. Out of nowhere, a Lunar Senshi Star Beam appeared, lancing between the girls and striking Mystic Gast Phantom dead. In accordance with the strict and unbending rules of Super Magical Girl Destroy Factor Z, the spoils of victory went to the one who cast the killing blow. As one, Sayaka Miyuki-Sama and Neptune Hanaka span around, spitting invective as a stranger stood in the entrance to the final battle plaza, outlined in the golden glow of a level-up.  
“Uw-what the actual fuck?!”  
“Who'th thith douche bag?”  
In the distance, adopting a perfect victory stance animation, Sailor CancerCrab Moon Moko held a v-sign to her forehead.  
“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU SHITFUCKS?”


End file.
